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Nailed It.

You want to know the first thing I think of when I hear the word humility? Humanity. I mean it’s literally right there in the actual text. Three letters to start and three letters to end, with a “nail” right in the center binding them together. Humiliation and humility have different meanings, but both are tied closely together. To be human is to experience humiliation. To experience humiliation can lead to a sense of humility. One seemingly bad experience can lead to a seemingly good experience. No matter what way you slice and dice it, it’s all part of the HUMAN experience.

We all have moments in our lives we can recall that were not our finest. I’m going to tell you a very embarrassing and rather painful experience I went through when I was about 23 years old. I attended an open bar event in Philadelphia, one Saturday night, with several of my friends. It was a night of dancing and laughter with great people…from what I remember. Several hours later I ended up on my bathroom floor while the walls danced around me in circles. I also got to know the inside of the toilet bowl very well and you know exactly what I mean. At some point my sister heard me, and eventually brought me a few slices of toast as I laid nearly unconscious on the floor. If that weren’t embarrassing enough, I drove home from the bar that night. I haven’t even gotten to the worst part, yet.

That very same night, two of my sisters attended a wedding. One of my sisters was a bridesmaid, as it was her best friend’s wedding. The painful part of this story is that the bride had lost her sister several years prior in a drunk driving accident. She was the passenger in a car where the driver was intoxicated. So, what should have been a night filled with only the joy of celebrating marriage was cast in a shadow of sorrow because a beloved family member was missing. And as I woke up the next morning with a headache the size of Alaska, my sister came in to check on me and ask how I got home the night prior. I could not lie. She wasted no time in displaying her rightful anger and disappointment in my actions. What if I would’ve killed myself in an accident? What if I killed another driver on the road? What if, God forbid, I would have killed my sisters on their way home from the wedding that night? All these relevant questions left me speechless and in complete shame. I was absolutely humiliated.

After a bit of time passed, with neither of my 2 sisters speaking to me, they were able to forgive me for the terrible decision and mistake I made that night. I was wrong. I knew I was wrong while I was behind the wheel. I knew I was wrong the next morning as I was confronted. And I ultimately admitted to being wrong and apologized and we were all able to move past it. So, it makes me wonder why is it so hard for people to admit they are wrong? It’s a quite common part of the human experience. The average life expectancy is globally averaged around 80 years old. In 80 years, I’m sure some of us are wrong once or twice. Now if you’re like me, it doesn’t happen often. Maybe it’s genetic. Maybe it’s a gift. I’m kidding. Half Kidding. In all seriousness, we are going to be wrong quite often in 80 years. Oddly enough, you learn a lot when you’re wrong. I think the most important lesson learned is humbling ourselves.

My story about drunk driving is extreme. It’s not so hard to admit wrong-doing when it’s a matter of life or death.  What about the everyday situations we find ourselves in? As I write down my thoughts, I’m also checking the status of my stocks every couple of minutes, hoping they are all spiking and making me a millionaire. Is it wrong to want to make money? Absolutely not. Is it wrong to let it consume you? Yes. Should I be volunteering somewhere to help those less fortunate than me rather than stare at a computer screen worrying about money? Yes. I can admit I’m wrong for the way I choose to spend my time. What about arguments you had with someone. I don’t even care what the argument was about. Chances are, someone in the argument was wrong. Maybe both of you think you are right. Who gets to decide?

I recently was involved with some family drama, in which I’m certain I was right in my argument. I’m 100% certain that the other party in the argument thought that same thing. When feelings and emotions are involved it changes the entire ball game. But I’m a firm believer in facts over feelings. You can feel how you feel, and no one can take that away from you. But are your feelings justified by the facts of the situation? Something to consider. Either way, most people don’t want to be wrong and everybody wants to be right.

So, where to go from here? I think the only answer is humility. In both scenarios. If you are wrong and can admit it, you stand the chance to learn what humility is all about. And though that kind of sounds rather terrible, the opposite is true! There is such a sense of freedom when admitting you are wrong. I feel like God built that into our system because He knew we would be wrong so many times throughout our human experience. So, through humility, he gave us this awesome sense of freedom. The chains of our wrong doings can finally be unshackled off our hearts and minds. The same is true when you are right! If you feel you have won the argument, don’t gloat! Remain humble because remember, you have been wrong too many times in your life to think you have the upper hand. You are no one special. You most likely have less wins in your column and way more losses through your human experience. So, don’t forget that. Learn to stay humble even in winning.

The world is crazy. I don’t need to remind anyone of that because I know everyone has a tv and social media. Global pandemic fears, civil unrest, economic hardships, and an election season all in the same year. It’s a lot for any human to handle. But all I see when I look out into the world is a lot of people thinking they are right and no one admitting they are wrong. You can flip that coin as many times as you want and no matter how it lands, someone isn’t going to like the outcome. But the solution to that is humility. Because it doesn’t matter how the coin lands. There is something to learn on either side. No matter if you’re right or wrong, there is true freedom in both…if you remain humble.

Humility. Humanity. The four letters in the center that make up the difference spell out nail. All of our shame and humiliation and wrong-doings were hung on the cross. Through humility, Jesus was nailed to the cross to save humanity. I don’t think the similarity is a coincidence. I think God is just clever.

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Free Will(y)

Coming back to live in my parent’s house, I am staying in the bedroom I grew up in. There is a gigantic Pin Oak tree in the backyard that happens to sit just outside my bedroom windows. Off and on, for decades now, I have watched the same squirrel family live inside the nest they built probably 35 years ago. Year after year, new squirrel babies are born, and they grow up only to use the same nest for their new family. One year we even found a baby squirrel on our porch. He was not in good shape and we tried to nurse him back to health but sadly nature took its course. I’ve spent hours and hours being mesmerized by these squirrels, whether it was watching them build and rebuild their nest, or jump from branch to branch, or collect food off of the ground that we would put out for them. Nature was made for us to enjoy like that.

As fascinating and mesmerizing as they can be, I also find it extremely interesting how robotic it all is. They perform the same activities repeatedly, based solely on survival. Their only worries are where to build shelter to live and protect their young, and where to find food. Sounds like us, right? Humans’ most basic instinct is survival. Building a home to shelter themselves and their families and finding food and water to sustain life. Sounds like we are just like animals, right? When’s the last time you asked a squirrel what they did for a living? Or where they went to school? How about where they attended church, or if they believed in God? What about their squirrel vacations? Any marital problems? Do you know if the squirrels in your yard are social distancing and obeying the mask mandates? Notice how the list of differences between us humans and animals begin to pile and pile? The main difference that separates us from every single animal under the sun, is choice.

Free will is the most important component of our humanity. Besides the many other obvious differences between humans and animals, free will is what separates us into our vastly different and difficult, yet brilliantly unique species. Having the ability to make a choice may seem like the simplest concept to us all because that’s all we’ve known our whole lives. We open our pantry and decide if we want Cheez-its or Pretzels. Whatever mood our taste buds are telling us we’re in, we grab either box and we go on with our snack time. But what about the more serious choices with serious consequences? What college do I go to? What career path should I choose? Should I have kids or not? Should I try drugs? Should I watch that porn? Should I have sex before I’m ready? Before marriage? Do I believe in God and should I follow this set of guidelines if I do? As I type, I’m watching a squirrel sit perfectly still on the very large branch outside his nest. It seems like he’s enjoying the nice breeze. But is he contemplating any of the choices I just listed? Is he worried about losing his job because of covid_19? Does he need to quit his job in order to stay at home with the squirrel babies because they can’t go to school? Did he forget his mask before he left the nest? I don’t have to guess. The answer is no. In the current situation of our world in 2020, I’m not sure Mr. Squirrel realizes what a luxury that is.

When I turn on the news and see all the hatred, it makes me want to shrink into a squirrel and join my friend on the branch and stare off into the breeze and think about absolutely nothing. But God didn’t choose to make me into an animal. He chose to make me a human, in his image and likeness. He chose not to make me a robot. He gave me the ability to think for myself, and therefore to choose for myself. I recently spoke with a friend of mine who suffered a great loss in his family due to addiction. I have experienced my own addiction and know many others who have as well. Addiction is one of the worst human experiences. It’s terrible for not only the person suffering the addiction, but also for those around him or her watching it happen and unable to do much about it. The reason why addiction is so terrible, besides the very many obvious reasons, is that it all stems from a choice. There are rare cases where forces outside our control led to addiction, but for the most part it all began with a simple choice we made ourselves. Knowing you made the choice doesn’t help, and guilt is a terrible consequence of that, but this is what separates us from those squirrels.

Our ability to choose for ourselves is a blessing and a curse. The curse is what people tend to dwell on. But what about the blessings?! What about all the bad choices we’ve made that have led to hurting ourselves and others, but then the decision to reverse that course like choosing to say sorry and ask and receive forgiveness? What about choosing to leave your addiction behind? How about choosing to love your neighbor, or better yet, choosing to love your enemy? Choosing to help others, choosing to be compassionate, even just choosing to listen instead of talk. All these choices are such blessings. But it’s up to us! That’s what truly makes us so special. Our ability to choose to do good. God did not want robots. What reward is there in everyone doing the same things just because they were programmed to be that way? There is absolutely nothing desirable about that.

I don’t want anyone to love me, let alone be friends with me, because they were forced to. Or even worse, simply programmed to. How insane would that be? That’s why relationships between humans are so fascinating and so special. Whether it is your parents, your children, your husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, or just a best friend…knowing that someone else is choosing to be in your life and love you, while you reciprocate that same feeling is truly a one of a kind experience. Animals bond with their young, and often times with packs of their same species, but they don’t go through fights, arguments, divorces, political debates, battles of the sexes, and who’s God is the right one discussions over Thanksgiving dinner like we do as humans. It’s the ‘going through the obstacles and hardships that relationships bring and choosing to stick it out and love the other person regardless’ that make us humans so special and unique and separate from any other species on earth. It’s the free will we have, that we were given!

Non-believers struggle to understand this. I CHOOSE to be in a relationship with God. Even though he created me, he didn’t ever force me to choose Him. That was never the point. Because, like us humans, what reward would there be for God if I only chose Him and loved him out of some form of robotic programming? No. We are made in His image and likeness so it’s the only way. Free will. And just like any other decision we could possibly make in life, that one has consequences just the same. They can be good or bad. Our relationship with God is no different than with any human on earth. There will be stages of anger, sadness, and absolute pure joy and peace. Like in the movie “Free Willy”, God will be there to guide us over the rocks blocking our way, but we must be “free willing”. We were never given the promise that life would be easy, just that God would be along for the ride through the good times and the bad. And if we make the choice, the rewards would eventually be eternal. And as tough as it is sometimes, I’m freely willing to choose to believe in and accept that promise.

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Messiness.

I’m sitting at my desk surrounded by piles and piles of clothes, stacks and stacks of CD’s (I’m old), and a mountain of photographs dating back to 1985. I do not do well in a disorganized mess. I like order or as close to it as I can manage. But, alas, I’m sitting in this chaos. I have been trying to sell two dressers of mine for the last two months. I finally got a willing merchant and so I had to unpack all the drawers that were filled with the aforementioned items. The merchant of Philadelphia is currently in the middle of moving and long story short has not yet come by to pick up the dressers and may not be able to for another day. Oh, and he was supposed to pick them up yesterday. Two days of mess. I’d insert the scary faced emoji here.

To add to the clutter, I am unemployed due to the pandemic and my entire industry has completely gone away and will not be returning anytime soon. Today July 19, 2020 I was supposed to be flying from Houston back home to Philadelphia. Today should have been the end of a six-month contract of work, but it was unfortunately cut four months short due to covid_19. Four months ago, exactly, in fact, I was sent home. Today would have been the start of my journey to buy my first home. Today would have been a celebration of seeing family and friends. But instead, today I’m sitting in this mess. I don’t think this current situation has been easy or fun for anyone. For the first time, maybe in all our lifetimes, we can say the entire world is in the same boat.

But what if this isn’t the first time? I don’t mean we’ve suffered through a pandemic together like this before. I’m talking about that feeling of being stuck in a mess. Despite the literal mess of physical clutter around me as I type, I’m also familiar with emotional messes. I think we can all agree that at some point in our lives, we haven’t had it all together. Every single person alive today. Every race, every nationality, every size and shape, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, or what religion you practice. Everyone of us has a story to tell about that time we were a mess. Isn’t that kind of awesome? I don’t mean the messes themselves. I mean the similarity we all share. The fact that all humans can connect with each other on that level of vulnerability. We’ve all been at the bottom. It’s not the first time we’ve all been at the bottom together.

So much is going on in the world, especially in these last four months. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed in my 35 years on earth such divisiveness. Everyone thinks they have had it worse than the next person. Everyone thinks their hardships are worse than the others. But what is the scale that weighs an individual’s personal struggles? Who decides the weight of one person’s story and compares it to the next? Can any person alive do that? No! None of us have the right to decide whose struggle is greater or less than another’s. The only authority over that comes from God. But he doesn’t use a scale and he doesn’t compare our struggles! All he does is ask for them. He wants us to give them to Him. He wants to take the weight, however heavy, and lift it off all of us.

If I gathered up all these piles of clothes, and stacks of CD’s, and the mountain of old photos and threw them all in a big box I wonder how heavy it would be. It’s quite a big mess so I gather it would be too heavy for a single person to carry on their own. I would need help with the lifting. As I look at the two empty dressers that used to hide this whole mess, I can’t help but think of the mess I’ve been hiding inside myself. Don’t we all hide our messes inside sometimes? I think most people are particularly good at hiding their mess. Other’s not so much! Some people are a little bit more out in the open. And maybe that’s not necessarily a bad thing. No matter who it is, maybe if we all exposed our messes from the drawers in which we’ve been hiding them, then God could be there to help us lift the heavy box. How great would it be that if, instead of fighting over who has struggled the hardest, we joined together through the bonds of ALL our struggles collectively and gave them all to God?

I know from experience that my last statement is already true. I’ve gone through messy times before and I’ve always come out the other side better than before. It’s obvious that the entire world is in one huge mess right now. Nothing new, really. It always has been. I think the drawers are just open now and the mess is overflowing. I know that God has always been there for me to help sort it all out. I pray He can do the same for anyone reading this. And I also pray that the merchant of Philly will come take away these dressers once and for all!

Thank God He is God and not me.

Do we all know the left lane rule? It’s for passing. It’s not for cruising. For those of us who have a heavy foot on the pedal, we’ve all suffered from the road rage of being stuck behind a slow driver in the left lane. Once I’m finally able to pass them, I literally make grand gestures with my hands to wave them out of the left lane (an occasional finger might pop up too, just saying). Don’t they know the rule?! Slow drivers to the right! It should literally be the first question on the driver’s test. Are you a slow driver? Then stay in the right lane and stay out of my way! This happened to me yesterday on I95 because a girl was texting while driving. In the left lane. Then literally five minutes later as I got off my exit, two cars that were either following each other or chasing each other going 90mph, both sped past the line of traffic waiting at the red light using the pull over lane and both cars ran the red light and continued on with what I assume was their chase or their sense of entitlement. Suffice it to say, the sentiment I’ve shared since the lockdowns in March was confirmed: I hate people.

As if the controversy with covid_19 and lockdowns and being forced to choose between black lives and all lives wasn’t enough, there are slow drivers taking over left lanes everywhere! Hating people has been entirely too easy the last six months. I remembered what Jesus said in one of his sermons. “If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors love their friends.” Hating others is such an easy concept. It doesn’t take much effort. Especially these days. Loving others, even simply liking them, is the real challenge. I didn’t need a Bible quote to tell me that. I’m not married, but I gather spouses find it hard to love their other half all day every single day. I struggle to not be annoyed with my own family, my parents and siblings, more so as adults then when we were children together. It’s way easier to hate some of your co-workers then it is to embrace each one of them. It’s so damn easy to hate everyone. But where is that award? I haven’t been handed one and I’m the best there is at the game, especially with my low tolerance to patience. An unfortunate fact about myself I hate to admit and need to change. And fast.

I look around at the world we live in and 2020 has not been kind to any of us. All I see is hatred being fueled by more hatred and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to explain why we aren’t seeing any medals being presented to anyone. There is so much divisiveness. So much animosity. So much hate. THAT is the real pandemic. But it’s not new to our generation. No. Hate has been a global pandemic long before 2020. Long before the last global pandemic of 1918. Oh yes. Since the beginning of time. The first recorded murder in history was a brother killing his own brother, out of jealousy. The game is not new, simply different players. The other day I was watching a news program and a political commentator, who I disagree with and despise, was making his points and I just kept shouting at the TV. I was throwing every name in the book at him, as if he could hear me. And then it hit me. God loves him. God loves the slow driver in the left lane. He loves the two people who ran the red light ahead of a line of traffic. He loved the brother who was murdered, but more importantly the brother who killed him. I realized something. I am not capable of that kind of love, or at the very least incapable of understanding it. And that is why I thank God He is God. And not me.

Think of all the worst people throughout history. The best and most modern example is Hitler. Or just simply think of someone in your life who has crossed you. Someone you were never able to forgive. Someone who you hate. Then think of how much God loves that person. Crazy to think that God loved Hitler, right? The man responsible for the mass genocide of God’s chosen people was, in fact, loved by God. God is also a just God and there is no doubt justice was served regarding Hitler, but it also does not mean the unconditional love was lost. The love of God is never lost. And it’s something I cannot quite rap my head around. I can’t imagine loving everyone, including my enemies. Don’t forget that God’s greatest enemy, the devil, was his greatest creation of all time. Lucifer was God’s companion. He was the greatest of all angels to ever exist in the Heavens. Lucifer decided to rebel, unarguably the greatest rebellion of the history of creation. And look where it has led us. God will defeat the devil when all is said and done, but will the love be lost? The answer is no.

The perfect ending to this piece would be a very generic “if God could love the devil then it’s totally possible for me to love the person who slowed me down in traffic” right? On the current journey I am on in 2020, I’m afraid that answer is becoming less and less clear and seemingly unattainable. It’s a sad reality I think most of us are finding ourselves in. However, it’s not hopeless. I look at it as a lesson needed to be learned. And though the door to my college education closed 13 years ago, the lessons of life are constant. I recognize that I need to be more patient and compassionate. Saying I hate everyone is not going to change anything. I’m not going to win the gold medal nor collect a cash prize. Putting my faith in God, instead of man, is a good place to start. This year has been a rough ride for all of us and seeing what has been happening has made it easy to hate people. I’m going to try and leave that game to the devil. I don’t want to play anymore. It’s hard to love, but damn it I’m going to try. I’ll even try to love all of you slow left laners. Maybe that’s even the lesson. Maybe I need to get out of the left lane and slow down a bit. Because if God can love me after all the things I’ve done, I should at least be willing to slow down and try to do the same. I will undoubtedly fail and that’s why I thank God He is God and I am not.

A car ride and a lesson learned.

I’ve been alive on this earth for 35 and a half years. I think my first memories are around the 3-year-old range so there are about 3 years I can’t even account for. So, of the 32 years or so that I can remember, I have lived an extremely healthy life. Last week, my uncle Louie passed away after battling M.S. for 37 years. He was diagnosed in his early 30’s and died just shy of his 65th birthday. He battled an extremely and aggressively debilitating disease throughout his adult years longer than I have even been alive. He went from being a long-distance runner who owned a restaurant to living the last 20 years of his life inside a nursing home with absolutely zero control over the function of his body. To say I can’t even fathom what that must have been like is the understatement of the year. In these weird pandemic times, I’m positive we’ve all asked God a few questions. Why is this happening? Will things ever go back to normal? I’m absolutely positive my uncle spent the last 37 years of his life asking the same questions.

A few weeks ago, I needed to take my dog to the vet because of an eye infection. My mother, who I’m currently living with, suggested we go together so she could run an errand while I was inside the vet with my dog. It made sense so I said ok! We took her car and started our trek. It was halfway through the drive when she asked if I had my mask. Phone, wallet, keys, mask. That has become the unfortunate and begrudgingly new normal. I always keep my mask in my car and did not think about it until it was already too late. My mother did not have any extra masks in her car that we could find. I forgot my mask and I also forgot to put on my patience pants that day, which is very typical. So, I went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. I flipped out and was going on and on about how I knew this was a bad idea. We should have gone separately, and this never would’ve happened. There was no way I could go into the vet without my mask so she was going to have to wait in the car for however long the appointment took and then I was going to have to go with her to run her errand. I was annoyed, impatient, and not very pleasant or nice in the moment. We spent the rest of the car ride in silence.

After arriving to the vet, my appointment that was only supposed to take 15 minutes was now pushed back because they had run behind schedule and I could not go into the room with my dog and was told I would have to go wait outside in my car. As you can imagine, this was thrilling news for an already enraged person. Did I mention it was pouring down rain? I flipped my hood over my head and walked out the door scanning the lot for where my mother had parked. After realizing the car was nowhere in sight, I called her phone to find out that she went to go run her errand after digging through her purse and finding another mask buried deep within. I told her to get what she needed, and I would go back into PetSmart and wander the isles. But I gave her a very stern “hurry up” as I did not want to be inconvenienced anymore. I had HAD IT. Painting an incredibly good picture of myself, right?

My mother eventually made it back and there was no sign of my dog being ready for pick up, so we decided to head down the street to look at some furniture that I was in the market for. I should’ve kept my mask on to prevent me from spewing anymore ugly word vomit, but I decided to break the silence with more attitude about the stupid people at the vet. My mother, who was driving the car, simply uttered in a very calm and sad voice…” Things could always be worse. You could be Uncle Louie right now”.  I was speechless. My rage high had taken a very necessary blow right to the gut and face. I just turned to my mother, grabbed her hand and said… “You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry”. Who did I think I was? Obviously, I thought I was the only person in the world experiencing the tiniest disturbance to life. I’ve never been more grateful for my mother in that moment. And I’ve never been more grateful to God for the most simple and basic thing we all take for granted each day…our health.

I know I’m not completely alone in how I acted that day. I gather we’ve all been there. We’ve all let our impatience get the best of us, at least I hope I’m not alone! I acted like a jerk and thank God I had somewhere there to set me straight. We all go through moments of personal struggle, sometimes seasons. Others go through a complete lifetime of constant struggle. Case in point is my uncle. His disease officially ran its course longer than I’ve been alive today. I come from a Christian family, on both my father and mother’s side. My uncle Louie is my mother’s younger brother. The youngest of 5. He was a Christian and though he undoubtedly had his moments of anger with God over his long and hard-fought battle, he never lost his way. God never gave up on him, and my uncle never gave up on God. Just like Job from the old testament. I can say that my uncle Louie was one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. A 37-year long death sentence would be enough for anyone to faulter on their journey with their faith, but not for him. I wonder if I could ever have that same strength. I’d like to think the answer is yes.

I can say with almost absolute certainty that my uncle never got answers for any of his questions. I don’t think God revealed to him why he went through what he went through, let alone any doctor telling him why he was diagnosed with such a terrible disease. But I can, without a doubt, say that he has all the answers now. The second he took his last breath on earth and opened his eyes to meet his maker, everything made complete sense and the 37-year struggle was gone in an instant. It’s interesting to think how he went from being in a wheelchair for the last 20 plus years without the use of his legs and hands, to running and jumping and doing handstands through the hills and fields of heaven. And how it’s only been a week since he died, but to him, time does not exist where he is today. Maybe he can’t even remember what it feels like to be sick. What an amazing thought.

How about the answers to your questions in your life? I know that I don’t have most answers for all my questions. I don’t know why the pandemic had to happen or why I had to lose my job or when I will return to work or even if I will return to my field of work ever in general! I don’t know why certain people get sick with diseases and others don’t. I don’t know why parents lose their children or younger children lose their parents before it’s time. I gather most people will spend their lives asking questions and never receive the answers. Maybe some do if they are patient enough and observant enough in their own lives to realize the lessons they learned because of the struggles they had to face. Maybe instead of chasing the answers, we should trust that everything happens for a reason and that most things are out of our control. But I do know who IS in control. And my comfort lies in my faith that the one who is truly in control will never abandon us. Whether we are stuck in a bed in a nursing home year after year dying a slow a painful death, or whether we simply suffer from impatience because we can’t get our way. God will always show up, sometimes in the form of a mother driving her ungrateful son around, who is hurting and thinking about her dying brother. Maybe it takes other peoples struggles to wake you up from your own and see the light.

RIP Uncle Louie. You fought a long, hard, and courageous battle. One I would probably never make it through. You are a winner though. You may have lost the battle, but you won the war. You beat the devil playing all his cards. You did not faulter. You are now on the other side. We will all meet you there.  

Pictured: my mother and her brother, my Uncle Louie

Leave it to the professionals.

Honesty. There are so many sayings regarding honesty, the most famous being: the truth shall set you free. We also hear this other phrase often (especially in 2020): to live your truth. I’m not really sure what that means. All I know is the truth is the truth.  You can have “your” truth only if it’s the actual truth. You can turn on your TV every single day and watch the news and see different versions of the truth politically and culturally speaking and several arguments can be made about what those actual truths are. I wonder, though, what is the truth about our own lives? Are we all being honest about how we feel and about what we want? And if we aren’t being honest with ourselves…why not? It’s a very big question to be answered. Honesty is something that can change lives. However, will it change your life for the good or for the bad?

Unfortunately, with everything else in life, there can be some negative consequences with being honest. When we think about the truth, sometimes fear can roll in like a ten-ton tractor trailer and park itself right over our hearts. That weight can be deathly, and I mean that literally. When we are scared it can feel like we are dying. Have any of you ever had a panic attack? They are one of the most awful human experiences to be had. Fear is one of the strongest emotions in our lives. And it is something God warns us about over and over and over and over again. The Bible teaches us to “fear not!” It is said that the Bible mentions this imperative statement about 365 times. What an interesting coincidence that the number mirrors the amount of days in one year. The remedy for fear is God, and He wants to give us the cure every single day, 365 days a year.

However, it is easier said than done. Yes, even as a Christian! My question is though, how can the truth be so pure and good, so “freeing” as they say, and be accompanied with something else so terrible and crippling? Why are honesty and fear married? Why are they even in the same family? And can the truth exist without fear? Can the truth ever truly set us free? I know the answer is yes. It whole-heartedly is yes. But we will never separate the two without God.

There are specific moments in my life that have been such battles when deciding whether to be completely honest with myself, and with others. There are always about a million and one questions that follow the truth, which ultimately creates a million and one excuses to ignore it. What will happen to me? What will the other person say? What will EVERYONE say? What will they think? How will they feel? How will I feel? Will someone be hurt? Will I be hurt? I could go on. These questions are driven by that tractor trailer of fear. We worry about the change that might occur in our lives when being honest about certain topics or situations. We worry how our relationships with others will change. We worry what real honesty might to do to affect the outcome of our future. We just worry, plain and simple. If we all share one thing in common, it is that we are a worrisome species. And everyone has come to a point in their own lives where they have stood in the face of truth and had to look it straight in the eye. The truth about themselves, the truth about someone else in their lives, the truth about their career, and most importantly the truth about who God is.

When we arrive at this place, a place we will all revisit repeatedly in our lives, and we’re staring at the truth, let us all pray that we can meet Jesus there. Let us meet Jesus at the truth and walk with him through the fear. Let HIM carry the cross. And you want to know the best part about this? He told us to give it to him! His death on the cross represented not only saving us from the heavy burden of sin, but also a commitment to carry the burden of our sins as well as our fears and anxieties our entire lives! He endured so much pain, so we don’t have to. And he wants to continue enduring it for us! How insanely amazing is that? We have a God who WANTS to take on this fear for us! You’d think after dying on one, Jesus would be done with crosses. But not my God. To use modern day terms, Jesus is a professional. He’s a professional cross-bearer. In today’s world, we hire headhunters to find jobs. We hire people to find employees for our companies. We hire people to buy and sell our own houses for us. We put the burden of life on others so often, why not do the same with our own professional God! Jesus asks for the burden and he WANTS it. The ole saying is “leave it to the professionals”, right?

So, let us all pray together that in those moments of facing the truth, especially when we may not want to, that we can pass the fear and anxiety onto Jesus. Let Him drive that truck away and transform it into something beautiful for His glory. Let us see what God will do with our actual truths, because remember, the truth shall set us free. And Jesus is the truth. 

Time.

I’ve got too much time on my hands. Too much time on my hands. Too much time. Great song from the 80s and Broadway musical if you know the reference.

There are probably billions of people on this earth that wish they had too much time on their hands. But let me tell you, the grass is always greener. With tons of free time comes tons of thoughts spinning round and round the ole noggin. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worst thing. I am not complaining… (too much). But with this great power comes great responsibility. And I’m not trying to use some cliché saying just for kicks. I actually mean that. Being given the gift of free time is a huge responsibility. Especially coming from a Christian standpoint. How do I use all of this precious time that God has given me in a responsible way? How can I benefit God? How can I slow down the unwanted thoughts in my mind and put the good ones to use?

I guess this is one of my many official prayers to the man upstairs. Dear God, SEND HELP! Send guidance. Send me a sign of what to do. Currently, the plan is to learn something new. I thought diving into the Spanish language would be a great thing. However, I have this urge to learn a new trade or craft. Something that could be financially rewarding in the future. And of course, that may sound selfish. How can I just think of making money? However, the more money I make, the more I can give back to God, which I admit I need to be doing more of in general with what I already have. So much time. So many questions. So many unknowns. Is it irony that as I am writing this, the main theme song from Frozen 2, Into the Unknown, is playing in my iTunes? I always get confused about irony ever since Alanis Morissette wrote a song about it but got it wrong. Is THAT irony?

Anyway, in Frozen 2, the character of Elsa keeps hearing this voice telling her to step out of her comfort zone and follow it into the unknown world. For the last few years I have been hearing that same voice. But the voice is not unknown to me. I have known all long it is the voice of God within me telling me to follow Him somewhere new. But where? The unknown is SCARY. I have been in the same comfort zone for almost 15 years, career wise. So how exactly do I follow God into the unknown? FAITH! And many, many, many prayers. And LISTENING. Going to that quiet place and really listening to Him as he uses the Holy Spirit to speak His will to me. That is how all of us follow God into the unknown!

With all this time on my hands, I am praying that I hear His voice sooner rather than later. But our timing and God’s timing do not always match up. “Your will be done”. Not mine. So I guess I need to also put on my patience pants, which admittedly do not fit well on me at times (I’ve been ordering way too much room service on my ship, but that’s a story for another day lol). But my final prayer for this moment is that He does not keep me waiting in the unknown for too long.

**When I wrote everything above, it was the end of January 2020. I was beginning another contract with Royal Caribbean playing Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever the musical for a second time. I was going to have loads of free time on a ship working only one day per week. Little did I know, my life was about to change. Every single human being’s life on earth was about to change. I would still have too much time on my hands, but now, all those billions of people all over the world would now be joining me in my predicament. The only thing that has not changed since I wrote this whole piece, is God. God is still present. And though billions more people are now asking the same questions I was asking about what to do with all this time, the answer remains the same. Seek God. Pray every single day and ask God what His will is for you during this pandemic. How can He use you? I am asking that very same question. Let us all listen and see what He reveals. Through all the confusion and misery our current situation is causing, there may just be an amazing gift waiting for us on the other end of this.

Praise Jesus!

A Dialogue

I like to write about important topics, or unimportant, depending on your opinion. And opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one. Including me. Some will care what I have to say. Most wont. But either way, I love to write. Communication with others is key. It’s the foundation of all types of relationships. And relationships with others are the whole point of life. So here are some of my thoughts. Like them. Hate them. But here they are. The end. God Bless.